Why are you here?

I am working in an emergency walk-in OB clinic. Some of the things I hear are amazing. Some of the things I would like to say aren't very professional. Personally, I think I could cut down on our workload if I could just tell it like it is. For instance.....
Me: "What brings you in today?"
Pt 1: "I have a cold. I have had this cold for 3 days. I don't know what to do."
(You have a cold. A cold has to run it's course. A normal cold lasts 5-7 days. Go home.)
Me: "What brings you in today?"
Pt 2: "I am tired and and always feel as if I could puke."
(Sounds like you're pregnant. Oh! That's right, you are. Go home.)
Me: "What brings you in today?"
Pt 3: "My gums are bleeding and my tooth hurts."
At this comment I just stared at her. Really. I couldn't say anything! (Hey dumbass! You need a dentist! Not a doctor! DDS not MD! Go find a phonebook and look under dentist! You're in the military stupid! You have insurance! Please leave!
Me: "What brings you in today?"
Pt 4: "Well I need an STD check."
Me: Looking confused "Your admission paper says cramping and spotting."
Pt 4: "Yes but my boyfriend was with me. He's not very faithful so I would like to be checked for STDs."
Me: Just staring. (Wow. You're stupid. Get checked. Go home. Find a new boyfriend.)
and finally....
Me: "What brings you in today?"
Pt 5: "I was in a car accident and I think I hurt my wrist."
Me: "How many weeks pregnant are you?"
Pt 5: "Pregnant? I'm not pregnant. Why would you think I'm pregnant?"
Me: ***Deep groan*** (Because DA this is an obstetric walk-in clinic. Not only does your wrist hurt but you are stupid. Someone will be able to fix your wrist but my diagnoses is you're always going to be stupid!!! Please leave!)
I bet I could get people in and out pretty quickly if I could triage the way I want to! Where do these people come from??